Have you ever found yourself in a situation where an act of kindness turns into an unexpected burden? That’s exactly what happened when I offered my friend a place to stay, and now, four years later, she still hasn’t moved out.
In the spring of 2022, my husband and I were fortunate enough to sell our house at a profit. With some assistance from my parents, we upgraded to a significantly larger home. During that time, my friend was facing some personal challenges, so I suggested that she move in with us and our two young children. Though we didn’t put anything in writing, the understanding was clear: she would either leave her job to pursue new training or save money for her own place, with the goal of moving out within six months to a year. She pays us £350 monthly, which helps cover our energy expenses, except for a three-month period when she was unemployed. I even contributed financially to her education.
However, despite the time that has passed, she has neither retrained nor secured new employment, nor is she able to afford her own living space. This situation has left me feeling trapped, especially as I juggle the demands of being a working mother, while also grappling with feelings of guilt for having a nice home and a stable job. It’s frustrating that she witnesses my most stressful moments, whether it’s arguing with my husband or managing disputes among the kids. Our friendship now feels more like a parent-child relationship than that of equals.
I struggle to express my feelings to her because I know it will lead to tears, which makes me feel cowardly. What should I do?
First and foremost, you're not a coward; rather, something is preventing you from saying what truly needs to be articulated. I consulted psychotherapist Chris Mills and solicitor Gary Rycroft for insights.
It’s crucial to clarify your legal position. If you reside in England or Wales, Rycroft indicated that the £350 payment likely does not grant your friend any rights to remain in your home indefinitely since the money is merely covering shared expenses. Ideally, you would have had her sign a formal lodger agreement to establish clear terms from the start, so it would be wise to seek appropriate legal counsel on this matter.
Mills recommended a dose of tough love for both you and your friend. "You express frustration over her witnessing your worst moments," he noted, "but it might be your own guilt and feelings of inadequacy that led you to invite her in initially. You felt compelled to rescue her instead of supporting her from the sidelines as she navigated her issues."
While it’s commendable to lend a hand when possible, nearly four years have gone by, and there’s a real risk that you’re being taken advantage of. You seem aware of this, which explains your feelings of resentment. Your sense of privilege about your spacious home and well-paying job may be holding you back from taking decisive action. Keep in mind, your friend also benefits from your support; she has relied on you without fulfilling her end of the agreement.
"It's essential that you initiate a mature conversation about this," Mills advises, "but prepare yourself for the possibility that she may react defensively, which could trigger those feelings of guilt you’re trying to manage. I believe you are a compassionate person, but compassion must be balanced with clarity and firmness in advocating for your own needs."
This issue won’t resolve itself magically. If you feel like the 'parent' in this situation, remember that sometimes parents must set boundaries. Provide her with sufficient notice—without making excuses—to ease your conscience and possibly meet any legal obligations. "Don’t apologize or justify your need for your home back," Mills suggests. "Her tears will be difficult, but it's something you will have to endure."
"The kindest thing you can do for both yourself and your lodger," Mills concludes, "is to stop treating her like a child. Once you accept that being disliked by her isn’t the worst outcome, you’ll find yourself unshackled from this situation."
Assertiveness doesn’t equate to unkindness; it’s about establishing new boundaries when others cannot.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal dilemma submitted by a reader. If you’d like to seek advice from Annalisa, please send your query to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Please note that Annalisa is unable to engage in personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
